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Sad Day.

Well, the haunted house I worked at the past two years is having it’s auditions today, which means it’s the start of haunt season. From now through halloween, many talented actors and not-so-talented volunteers and crew members will be doing everything they can to bring you the very best scares they can, or, if they’re one-time volunteers, until it stops being fun. (I have no delusions whatsoever about what it’s like to work at a haunted house.)

This year, I won’t be scaring. As a whole, that’s a completely depressing thought, and I’m still not sure I want to completely admit that, but, as it stands, I can’t commit to the old haunt full time, and the ‘new’ one just has too much drama attached already.

To all my readers who are planning on going through a haunted house this year, or if you know someone that will be, please, heed my advice.

No matter how cool you think you are, no matter how scared you may or may not be, do not, and I mean DO NOT fuck with the actors.

They’re not there to trap you in a box, or hold up your group for hours in some asinine joke. They’re there to scare you through the maze of rooms and hallways the crew built to entertain the public. I cannot possibly express to you, dear reader, how dangerous it is for them to do that. While most of the customers are just annoying at the worst, some will actually attack the actors. You can be arrested for this. Unless a waiver is signed, it is illegal for an actor to touch you, or you to touch an actor. For the most part, they don’t say anything about it if it’s all in good fun. Like if they scare you, and you pat them on the back, or something good-natured. No actor is going to call security on you for that. But when you resort to punching a masked guy for startling you, or some snot-nosed 12 year old thinks it’s hilarious to pull a female actor’s hair so hard she almost gets whiplash, then the job is made considerably more difficult.


They just laugh harder when you get scared. Even if you don’t get piss-your-pants terrified, they still make fun of you.


This was the biggest peeve when I worked at the haunt.I swear to frog, some of these parents would come through and just giggle their hideous faces off when their unruly brat would terrorize the actors and destroy the sets. Or, they’d let their kids go in without them, thinking it’d be some half-ass carnival haunt, and the kids would mask their fear by being incredibly obnoxious, and even violent. The actors will call security on your shithead little brats if you don’t control them, and you’ll have wasted however much money you just spent.

(I don’t dislike kids. I dislike the ones that never got raised to be people.)


REMEMBER: The actors are not getting paid to take your bullshit. They are getting paid to stand around for 5, 6, 7 hours and scare hundreds of people a night. Just because you paid $25 to get in doesn’t ,mean we have to be nice. If you go along with it, allow yourself to get scared and don’t try to fight the whole way through, you’ll leave satisfied. Everything will be gravy. If you decide to be a dick and ruin the experience for everyone around, you’ll probably end up wasting your time and money, only to get kicked out, and maybe even a brand new criminal charge on your record, depending on what you’ve done to the actors.


I really can’t stress this enough.

And if you decided not to read all of this, then here’s a summary.

Have fun. Get scared. Don’t fuck with the actors.

One more time.






Are we clear?

My apologies for the uncharacteristically humorless tone of this blog, but this is kind of important to me. Not enough people know how to act when they go into a haunted house, and it sickens me what people think is acceptable.

Well, I promise the next one will be funny.